<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>i don’t want to go to you by meaniesss (kunhang4y)</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28787997">i don’t want to go to you</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/kunhang4y/pseuds/meaniesss'>meaniesss (kunhang4y)</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Stages of Grief [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>NCT (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Ambiguous Relationships, Angst, Bipolar Disorder, College Dropout Jaehyun, Heavy Angst, Hurt No Comfort, I Am Sorry, Implied/Referenced Drug Addiction, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Lawyer Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Suicide Notes, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationships, this is so sad</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 08:01:58</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,706</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28787997</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/kunhang4y/pseuds/meaniesss</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>“I’ll take you to the moon. Just not in this life.” Doyoung remembers him whispering, somewhere in the night. He didn’t think much of it, but maybe he should have. </p><p> </p><p>(or, Doyoung and Jaehyun are in love. It's just not going to work in this lifetime.)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung, Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung/Original Character(s)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Stages of Grief [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2110587</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>33</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>i don’t want to go to you</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>CW: SUICIDE, SUICIDE NOTE, VERY UNHEALTHY DYNAMICS, IMPLIED DRUG ADDICTION </p><p>Please, if you find yourself getting triggered by the stuff written here, click out. As much as I love the support, your mental health comes first.</p><p>Title from Before Our Spring by Jonghyun</p><p>This is unbetaed and I will go through it occasionally in order to fix the mistakes I find!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“I’ll take you to the moon. Just not in this life.” Doyoung remembers him whispering, somewhere in the night. He didn’t think much of it, but maybe he should have. Maybe he should have pulled him close, not let him leave. He would have too, just as soon as he woke up a little more. Jaehyun was gone before then though. He was out the door, leaving the smell of peach shampoo and the shape of his body in the sheets.</p><p>All he left as proof of him even being permanent, not some dream that Doyoung thinks he might have thought up, is a letter. The envelope plain and inconspicuous, betraying what was inside. He grabbed it, taking note of Jaehyun’s sloppy handwriting on the front, reading “Tokki”. He assumed it was just another of those elaborate letters he wrote when he was actually around, not off doing god knows what with the endless energy he seemed to get after weeks of laying in their apartment, desolate and closed off. Though lately he seemed as normal as Jaehyun could get. </p><p>Doyoung thought nothing of it, setting the letter to the side to read after he got ready for work, too busy for Jaehyun’s games and too frustrated to wish to read his sappy words when he was never going to keep up his heavy promises. Something felt off about it though, he wasn’t sure what. Maybe it was how worn the edges were, seemingly picked at and played with but this wasn’t dressed as Jaehyun’s letters usually are.<br/>
-<br/>
<br/>
Jaehyun was fun on his good days, a good lay, generous with what he never really had, and always down to party, if not a little too ready. </p><p>His bad days were the days when what he really felt came out.</p><p>Jaehyun was so angry and desolate on his bad days. He was like a hurricane, powerful and tragic.. He left bodies in his wake, and he was destined to die out of his own accord. </p><p>Doyoung loved him nonetheless. How could he not? Jaehyun was beautiful, caring, passionate, intelligent, and most likely his soulmate. </p><p>They refused to talk about it. To talk about what they were, to define their bond. </p><p>They had tried after a year of dancing circles around each other, but it ended with Doyoung in distraught tears and Jaehyun shut down. Doyoung wanted him to get help, Jaehyun didn’t want help, he thought he was fine. Fine people don’t wake up from a coke binge with no clue what they did and why they did it, Doyoung told him. Everyone makes mistakes, Jaehyun tried. Doyoung wanted to be his boyfriend, Jaehyun was happy with hooking up and going on dates but he didn’t want a label. </p><p>Doyoung cried for weeks silently after that, but never for too long. After a few months, they went back to be Doyoung and Jaehyun. They would fuck, make out, cuddle, go on dates, hold hands while falling asleep tangled in each other, thinking about a future together and Jaehyun would kiss Doyoung’s mouth softly and tell him “I’ll take you to the moon one day, I swear.”</p><p><br/>
</p><p>It was always Jaehyun’s childhood dream to fly to the moon. Explore its bleak nature and the stillness that hung around it. There was not much change on the moon, it was consistent. Doyoung secretly thought that Jaehyun wanted to be the moon so he could finally have some sort of balance within himself. Jaehyun was constantly shifting, changing masks like it was his job and so did the moon, but the moon always came back in the same mask soon. Showing the same faces for the Sun. </p><p>Doyoung would kiss him back and say “I know, baby.” He stopped believing him around the 3rd year, though. Jaehyun made too many promises and broke all of them, and Doyoung didn’t trust that he would keep this one. He wouldn’t take him anywhere but Insanity, and yet Doyoung loved him all the same. His Jae, his entire world.<br/>
-</p><p>Doyoung had tried to fall for someone else, a pretty man who he had met at a party that Jaehyun dragged him to. Jaehyun ran off to go sniff some lines and smoke, giggling in excitement and leaving Doyoung behind in a crowd of high and sweaty bodies, rubbing against each other to the beat of some shitty trap remix. He was leaning against a wall, texting Jaehyun when a deep voice spoke from beside him. </p><p>“You’re way too pretty to be here alone, especially looking so pissed. Maybe I can change that. I’m Kihoon” Doyoung glanced up, seeing a tall, slender man with a sleeve of colorful tattoos and a pretty face. His hair was light brown and his teeth gleamed, even under the tacky LED lights that bordered the walls of the supposed dance floor. Tucking his phone away, he smiled at him and they began talking, though Doyoung occasionally checked to see if Jaehyun was okay. When he didn’t answer, Doyoung assumed he would be fine. </p><p>He always was. </p><p>When Jaehyun joyfully skipped through Doyoung’s door two months later, to see him on his knees and sucking Kihoon off passionately, he was not fine. He was angry, ears red as he walked out with a tense whisper of “Fuck you, Kim Dongyoung.” </p><p>Kihoon just raised his eyebrows, asking “Wow has he ever heard of knocking?” Tucking himself in as he continued “What even gives him the right to do that? Prick.” Doyoung’s ears were ringing as he sat there gaping like a fish. Kihoon tried to get his attention as Doyoung’s eyes welled up with tears. </p><p>“Doie, who was that?” Kihoon asked after glancing between the door and the silently crying man. </p><p>“I don’t know.” Doyoung whispered, sick to his stomach “You need to get out.” </p><p>“What?” The younger man asked as he was grabbed by the wrist and yanked out. “You need to leave, Kihoon. I don’t know what he is going to do and I have to go find him, I don’t want him to do anything.” </p><p>Kihoon shoved his feet into his vans and scoffed “You said you don’t even know who he was really. Why would you care about that?” His eyes rolling as he crossed his arms, Doyoung frantically throwing a jacket on as he simultaneously tried to shove his shoes on. </p><p>“I know who he is. I don’t know what the fuck he is to me, but he is way more important than your dick. He doesn’t have the best fucking mental stablity at the moment, so if you could leave or help.” Doyoung ran downstairs, tripping down his building steps to see Jaehyun sniffling on the steps, hoodie pulled over his head and a puffy jacket crowded around him as he cried silent tears. </p><p>“Jae.” Doyoung breathed out, his heart thudding in his chest as he stared into the teary eyes of his world. He messed up. He could tell from the way that Jaehyun turned back around. “Peaches?” He tried and Jaehyun just shook his head, pulling a cigarette out as Kihoon came behind him, huffing from rushing after Doyoung. </p><p>Why did yo-Oh there he is. See, bun, he’s okay. It’s cold out, let's all go inside.” Grabbing Doyoung’s arm to try and pull him back inside the apartment building. Jaehyun’s shoulders tensed, and he glanced at them, eyes darkening with even more anger. </p><p>“Don’t call him bun.”Jaehyun’s voice seemingly echoed through the dark. Kihoon looked away from Doyoung to Jaehyun, and his brows furrowed as he stared at him. </p><p>“Doie, who even is this?” The man asked Doyoung. </p><p>He cleared his throat, shaking Kihoon’s arm off as he sighed, “Jaehyun. He’s my...best friend.” Jaehyun scoffed, throwing his cigarette on the ground, stomping on the butt as he turned around, glaring at Doyoung and Doyoung only. </p><p>“Do you know what Doyoung sounds like when he has completely fallen apart while fucking? Not just moans, but completely losing himself. Don’t answer that, I know the answer. He only trusts people who he is in love with enough to do that. To give himself away like that. I’m not his best friend. I’m his one and only.” Jaehyun smirked up at him, eyes still not leaving Doyoung’s. The elder’s face was red and he was horrified, eyes wide as he tried to get him to stop, but Jaehyun only grabbed his hand and held it. </p><p>“You don't know anything about Doyoung, I promise you that. You wonder why? Don’t you? Why doesn’t he ever talk to you about anything, or tell you about his past or even let you meet any of his friends? That’s because you’re not permanent, you not me.” Jaehyun was giddy now, cackling as Doyoung and Kihoon watched on, Doyoung angry and frustrated, Kihoon absolutely shocked to silence.</p><p><br/>
</p><p>“Jaehyun. Did you take your fucking meds today? Or in the past month?” His voice tight as anger spilled through his teeth. Kihoon just glanced between them, eyes wide as he tried to take it in. “You know what happens if you don’t. What are you even doing?” His voice bordered on hysterical as he spoke, hands shaking with the temperature and emotions. </p><p>“I ran out. You were supposed to pick them up for me on your way back from work two weeks ago. You know that. I even texted you about it, but I guess you were busy. With him.” Doyoung felt his heart drop as he remembered, he was. Kihoon had invited him to a bar though and he forgot. Plus Jaehyun and him were in the outs so he was angry and the man hadn’t stayed the night in weeks. </p><p>“God-, Jae-,” Doyoung tried pulling the other closer as he whispered “I’m sorry.” Jaehyun just stood there as the man trembled in his arms. His red rimmed eyes glancing over at Doyoung’s boyfriend.  Kihoon finally just said “Uh. Bye Doyoung.” Walking around them as Jaehyun pulled Doyoung close, whispering “Why would you do that, Tokki?”</p><p>Safe to say that Doyoung never tried to date someone else.<br/>
-<br/>
The night before Jaehyun left that letter on his table, they had fought. It was something so simple, Jaehyun wanting a hug, but Doyoung denied him after a bad day at work, dealing with shitty family court cases and selfish parents made him tired and he didn’t want to deal with Jaehyun’s clinginess. He had been especially needy lately, though that probably came with finally staying with Doyoung and making some progress on their relationship. So, they fought it out and said some things they regret, as they always do. </p><p>They still went to bed, giving in to each other and tangling in the sheets together, falling asleep wrapped up. Maybe if he knew what was coming as soon as he fell asleep, he would have let the other cling to him. They wouldn’t have fought hard and mean with each other, Doyoung rubbing it in Jaehyun’s face that he was the sole provider and Jaehyun couldn’t even graduate. That wasn’t his fault. His parents dropped him on his ass as soon as the words “Bipolar Disorder” came out of the psychiatrist's mouth. </p><p>If only he knew.</p><p>-<br/>
Doyoung sat down, in his pressed suit and his hair gelled back for a shitty day of being a new lawyer with no experience and pull in his company. He tore the frayed edge, setting the envelope aside as he saw how many sheets of paper there were. Too worn to be any normal love letter, even from manic Jaehyun. He took a deep breath and started reading with a sense of dread.<br/>
-</p><p>
  <i>Dear Tokki,<br/>
I don’t know how many times I’ve tried to write this, or how many times I have written this.</i>
</p><p>
  <i><br/>
I’m sorry. You’ve said and heard those words many times in the 6 years we’ve been together, but I hope this one resonates with you the most.</i>
</p><p><i>I’m sorry for everything, for every promise I made to you that I’ve broken. For every night I left your side to go party and sleep with others. I’m sorry for pushing you away and then begging you to come back to me. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for breaking my most important promise to you, for not taking you to the moon. Maybe next lifetime, who knows? Maybe we will be able to be Idols like we always joked about. You’re certainly pretty enough to be one. </i> </p><p> <i> I’m sorry for leaving you like this. I should have left when you told me the first time, but I couldn’t help but stay with you. You gave me stability and a sense of home. You are and were my home. You took care of me, no matter how much I hurt you and gave you false hopes. </i></p><p><i>You are my first and last love. I love you and have been in love with you since I was a dumb college freshman, though I think you know that. I never told you what you mean to me and I hope I can right now. This is my last shot to get it right.</i> </p><p>
  <i>Doyoung, you are my world. No matter how far I ran and how hard I tried, I couldn’t get you out of my head. You are the first thing I think of when I wake up, and the last thing I think about  when I fall asleep. Everyone else has come and gone, but you’ve always been by my side through everything. You’ve always loved me for who I am and not what my mind makes me do, and you’re smart enough to know the difference. We have walked a really rocky path together and I think we’ve done our best to smooth it out, and it makes me feel so warm when I think of the life we have together.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Despite that, I needed to go. You deserve so much more than a burden that can’t even control his own reality, let alone being in love with one. I can’t, with all the love I have, let stay by your side. I can’t be selfish anymore, though I know you’re going to think I’m selfish for what I have done and what I am going to do. Maybe I am, but this will be my last selfish act and it's all for you. They say that you have to let go in order for it to be true love, but I can’t risk it. I can’t have you come back to me. You need better. You deserve better. </i>
</p><p>
  <i>This isn’t just because we need to let go, but also because my life has no meaning. These past few weeks, I’ve realized that. My life has no meaning and there’s no need to stick around. I have no education, no family, not any good friends. I have only you, but I only hold you back and make you stick in a toxic cycle with me. You love me too much to break it, so I will. I’m done bleeding and hoping that solves the problems, that maybe I’ll bleed enough to let all the self hate and pain leave. It’s there forever. It is the blood and the blades, and it’s probably the rope that I bought today. </i>
</p><p>
  <i>Look up at the moon at night, I’ll be right there in the edges, watching over you. </i>
</p><p><i>Forever yours,<br/>
Peaches</i><br/>
-<br/>
Doyoung felt bile creep up his throat as he read the letter, each word making his stomach clench as he read all that was written, He was hiccuping through his tears as he reached the end. God, he could only hope that Jaehyun was safe. </p><p>He picked up his phone, ringing Jaehyun’s phone, letting out a sob of happiness as the line clicked and connected. Rushing his words, he gasped out “Jaehyun. Are you okay? Are you alright? Where are you peaches, please-” </p><p>He was cut off by a gruff voice that certainly wasn’t Jaehyun. “Hello, I’m Officer Shim. This phone was found on a body that was discovered earlier this morning, hanging from a tree in the woods in the park. Could you come down for body identification, if you know who’s phone this is?”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I will finish my minwon series sometime this year, I swear. Mingyu is just being difficult. </p><p>This actually a dotae series btw. I'll maybe write little dojae snippits because, as you can tell, Jaehyun is Doyoung's number one always, and he will never stop loving him. </p><p>This series will be about healing and making space in your heart for loving someone else and yourself. </p><p>Leave Kudos and Your thoughts below or give me your thoughts on twitter @L0EYSPARK.</p><p>I hope you enjoyed reading!</p></blockquote></div></div>
</body>
</html>